Now, For My Latest Trick: Burgundy 2022

BY NEAL MARTIN | JANUARY 11, 2024

Côte de Beaune: Aloxe, Ladoix & Pernand | Beaune | Chassagne-Montrachet | Côte Chalonnaise | Maranges, Monthelie & St-Aubin | Meursault | Pommard | Puligny-Montrachet | Volnay

Côte de Nuits: Chambolle | Fixin & Marsannay | Gevrey-Chambertin | Morey-Saint-Denis | Nuits Saint-Georges | Vosne-Romanée

Introduction

God is watching Friends and munching a pink Fondant Fancy when He sees the newsflash. The sober-looking newsreader coughs and composes himself. What the dickens has happened this time? He readies himself for the worst. The news is so unbelievable that He sits there frozen, Fondant Fancy suspended in front of open mouth.  

“There are unconfirmed reports that a Burgundy grower has reduced, I repeat, reduced their 2022 prices.”

God paces the living room like a biodynamic winemaker on a root day.

“Get it together. You. Are. God. You are all-powerful. You can do anything. Don’t panic.”

He speed-dials his local merchant. A plummy English voice chiseled by a hideously expensive public school education deigns to answer.

“Good afternoon. How may I assist?”

“God speaking. I’m phoning about the Burgundy grower that has reduced their prices.”

The merchant covers the speaker with his hand. His guffaws remain audible.

“Is this a prank call? Next, you’ll be telling me that the Beastie Boys are DJ’ing in Clos de Vougeot or that someone has made Riesling in the Côte d’Or*, Syrah in Mâcon**. Let me guess. You really are the Creator of life, the universe and everything.”

“Actually…”

He hangs up. God jots down the name of the merchant whose future is instantaneously as bleak as a vine planted on 161-49 rootstock in the mid-nineties. He phones Mother Nature.

“God here.”

“Which one?”