2017 Burgundy: A Modern Classic

BY NEAL MARTIN | JANUARY 10, 2019

See the wines by appellation: Beaune | Chambolle-Musigny | Côte de Beaune | Fixin, Marsannay | Gevrey-Chambertin | Morey-St-Denis | Nuits Saint-Georges | Pernand-Vergelesses, Aloxe, Ladoix | Pommard | Volnay | Vosne-Romanée

God sits in His diaphanous robes on the bare, rocky earth, hidden amongst the serried ochre vines looking towards Corton-Charlemagne, when He spots a pair of horns bobbing towards him. Ten more seconds of peace and solitude and then…

"Wotcha, Mr. G!” hollers Satan in a cheery but slightly campy voice that would scupper his reputation as the embodiment of pure evil, if humankind was aware. He sits next to God, leans back on his arms and inhales the view.

“Clear morning. See Mont Blanc silhouetted on the horizon? Beautiful,” Satan remarks.

“I know. I made it,” God retorts curtly. “One of my better mountains.”

“You’re grumpy, Mr. G. What’s up? Root day? You can tell me.”

God looks at him askance. They’ve had their ups and downs since the Garden of Eden, but his nemesis has always had devilish charm.

“You know, Satan, when I signed up for this job as ruler of the universe, I could choose either a final salary pension or omnipotence. I thought omnipotence might come in handy.”

“I chose the pension, Mr. G. Just do my worst, foment evil, lead innocents astray and then retire with a tidy annuity. Look how many political leaders are copying me these days.”

God sighs.

“Good for you. Well, I chose omnipotence. It means I can do this…”

A swish of His finger and an entire row of grape bunches turns into bananas.

“Nice one, Mr. G. Keep the bananas. Leave those biodynamic winemakers scratching their heads, wondering if they planted their goat’s testicle in the wrong place.”

God swishes his finger back the other way and the bananas turn back into grapes, to Satan’s chagrin.

“So with this omnipotence, I think to myself, all I want is a nice Burgundy vineyard. Somewhere I can potter about. Yet every time a domaine comes onto the market, I am outbid. Gazumped. Clos des Lambrays, Bonneau du Martray and Clos du Tart… I’m sorting out some major disaster like famine or war or the Master Sommelier exam scandal, then I turn back around and some billionaire has snapped it up.”