The Dalmatian Vintage: Bordeaux 2023

BY NEAL MARTIN | APRIL 29, 2024

Left Bank: Saint-Estèphe | Pauillac | Saint-Julien | Margaux | Moulis and Listrac | Pessac-Léognan and Graves | Left Bank Satellites | Sauternes

Right Bank: Pomerol | Saint-Émilion | Right Bank Satellites

The invitation had arrived in a wax-sealed envelope the previous week. The château manager is reluctant to attend, but how can you refuse a banquet at the Palais de Versailles with Ferran Adrià reviving El Bulli for one night only? The invite came from a neighboring château without mentioning the reason for the extravaganza. Surely an event of immense magnitude. Annoyingly, it had specified fancy dress. Theme? Court of King Louis XIV. That is why he is sweating in the back seat of a Merc dressed in a monstrous curly black wig, powdered face with a pencil mustache, silk brevet, flouncy lace cravat last seen on Prince’s Purple Rain tour and itchy white stockings stolen from his wife’s top drawer. Next to him, Sandrine, from accounts, is dressed as Marie-Antoinette, suffocating in a boned bodice and wearing the expression of someone about to be guillotined. Naturally, their attire attracts the attention of protesting farmers manning roadblocks down the motorway who either holler expletives or laugh.

When they arrive, the party is in full swing. Mark Ronson is under the chandeliers spinning tunes. Waiters weave their way through the throng with platters of Beluga caviar while sommeliers saber magnums of vintage champagne. He spots a fellow château manager and asks: “Any idea why we’re here and why I’m dressed like a poodle about to be spaded?”

“Not a clue,” he replies, his mascara beginning to run. “Now we are going to have to organize something even more decadent.”

“I should be in the office preparing for primeur. Négociants and merchants ring me every minute pleading for reasonable release prices.”

“Ridiculous!” he scoffs. “Apart from multiple arenas of conflict, political instability, a raft of imminent national elections, dire economic data, stubbornly high inflation, the aftermath of Brexit, restaurants struggling for survival, a moribund fine wine market, widespread lack of disposable income, an influential anti-alcohol lobby, a younger generation’s apathy, warehouses full of unsold pallets, withering demand in the Far East, global warming, extreme weather events, labor shortages, back vintages being off-loaded cheaper than primeur, burgeoning great wines from other regions and an unshakable sense of Bordeaux being outmoded, what is there for Bordeaux to worry about?”

“Exactly.”

Their conversation is interrupted by fanfare, and a rather portly gentleman looking bizarrely like Adam Ant taps the microphone to get attention. Finally, guests will discover why they’re here. Speculation is rife: a century-spanning vertical, sold to place on a luxury conglomerate’s mantelpiece, or, God forbid, a perfect score from Neal Martin.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announces. “For several years, we have undertaken a secret project to design… [cue unnecessary pause to build non-existent tension] …our brand-new capsule!”

The deflation around the ballroom is palpable. For several proprietors, it reminds them of the reaction when they released their 2022 last year.  

“After submissions from the world’s greatest designers, we unveil what has been baptized as ‘Capsule Magnifico’!”