Enticingly Fallible: Bordeaux 2021 En Primeur

BY NEAL MARTIN | MAY 12, 2022

Left Bank: Saint-Estèphe | Pauillac | Saint-Julien | Margaux | Moulis and Listrac | Pessac-Léognan and Graves | Left Bank Satellites | Sauternes

Right Bank: Pomerol | Saint-Émilion | Right Bank Satellites

It hasn’t been a good few weeks. A text sent from a sun-lounger in Malibu from the perpetually-absent proprietor made it clear that promotion in the forthcoming reclassification was expected. The château manager responded by pulling out all the stops to impress authorities. Alas, breath-taking overhead shots of the new winery came down in flames, literally, when their drone plummeted into their century-old Cabernet Franc. Later, the extortionate product placement fee to feature in “Sex In The City III” in order to “embrace female oenophiles” resulted in their bottle being misused for a scene that made the proprietor choke on his popcorn. Marketing reassured him that it might in fact appeal to the INAO committee - depending their broad-mindedness. 

Add to all this malarkey, the 2021 season was barely out of its starting blocks when it commenced trending for all the wrong reasons. The manager examines a photo of his vineyard at night, the lattice of burning wax candles warding away frost in April.

“At least we reacted and avoided frost damage,” he tells the estate’s temporary vineyard manager, his predecessor having quit after accepting a less stressful role laundering money for a Mexican drug cartel.

“Umm. We actually did lose a large swathe of vines,” he sheepishly replies. “We could find only one candle. We lit it anyway and Photoshopped the image to make it look like hundreds. Look carefully. Every single flame is identical. Social media went mad for it.”

He stares back in disbelief. He needs a positive in a season of negatives.

“Well, all that horsetail and yarrow preparation sprayed during a gibbous moon, not to mention carrying our portable Steiner shrine aloft through the vines, stopped rot after May’s downpours and…”

“Mildew was actually more rampant than that unmentionable scene in Sex In The City III. Our biodynamic shaman misread the instructions and sprayed during a waxing moon. Consequently, all treatments were useless, so bad that even the mildew was effected by rot.”

“But there was 2021’s hot and dry summer…wasn’t there?”

“Not until September. Then we couldn’t find anyone to pick. In the end, we hired five-year olds from the local kindergarten and pretended to play a game to see who could pick the most bunches. Their little feet reduced soil compaction so that’s something to consider for the future, not to mention that we saved money by paying them in sweets boiled from leftover chaptalisation sugar.”

“So, we have some wine then.”

“Yes,” he answers and ceremoniously places a half-bottle on his desk.

“A-ha. A sample for me to try…”

“Err…no. That’s it. We produced 375mm.”

“One bottle? Is that all? I’ve got half-a-dozen coaches packed with en primeur critics arriving next week.”

“Better than nothing. The rest of the bottles will be sold as NFTs. This bottle is reserved for Neal Martin to try en primeur.”

“Oh, back in town is he?”

“Apparently. First time doing primeur here instead of his back garden since 2018. Here, take a read of his report…”