You’re Unbelievable: Bordeaux 2022

BY NEAL MARTIN | MAY 16, 2023

Left Bank: Saint-Estèphe | Pauillac | Saint-Julien | Margaux | Pessac-Léognan & Graves | Left Bank Satellites | Sauternes

Right Bank: Pomerol | Saint-Émilion | Right Bank Satellites

The château manager can barely contain his euphoria. His chef de culture has not witnessed a vintage like it since 1865. Or was that 1965? His maître-de-chai burst into tears when he set eyes upon bunches. Such is the brilliance of 2022 that marketing forewarn that the 100-point scale may explode.

He ponders what certifies 2022 as “Vintage of the Century” - the first with an NFT guarantee, not that he has an inkling what an NFT is. Firstly, the planting density at 50,000 vines per hectare, stacking confused vines on top of each other like a Catalonian human tower, was labeled “ridiculous.” Now those vines are more stressed than Elon Musk upon realizing he could not renege from buying Twitter. Secondly, vineyard workers speak Austrian in the vineyard so that vines feel as if Steiner’s own hands are massaging their tendrils. Thirdly, each bunch undergoes a rigorous hour-long interrogation at reception, asked if it is worthy of joining a prestigious wine and its previous experience working without sulphur. Lastly, the vineyard is approached as 8,953 individually-assessed nano-plots. Blending is time-consuming, akin to being blindfolded and constructing the Eiffel Tower with Lego, according to one of their dozen overpaid consultants. Despite protests, the château owner’s grunt down the telephone from a private beach in Malibu meant that orders must be obeyed, lest you find yourself working for a Petit Château bulldozering its vines the next day.

The manager breaks off from practicing his lines for primeur…

It’s a miracle!

There wasn’t a brown leaf within 100km of our vineyard!!

Alcohol is high, but can you feel it…well, can you…CAN YOU?… NO, YOU CAN’T!!!

No, I didn’t claim that 12.5% alcohol is optimal for Bordeaux just 12 months ago.

And so on…

Time to gather his team to prime them for the imminent primeur pantomime when critics and merchants flock to Bordeaux.

“This year’s booklet is our best yet,” enthuses Lili, a second lieutenant in marketing. “The cover is designed by Banksy. A stencil of our beloved owner [Everyone in the room spontaneously salutes] running naked through the vines chased by his girlfriend…”

Salutes droop like the leaves last August.

“Don’t worry. Tendrils are carefully placed to avoid embarrassment,” interjects Joelle, whose position has never been fully ascertained, but she drives a Ferrari, and that’s good for image.

“The contents?”