Event Horizon: Bordeaux 2024 Primeur

BY NEAL MARTIN | MAY 1, 2025

Left Bank: Saint-Estèphe | Pauillac | Saint-Julien | Margaux | Moulis & Listrac | Pessac-Léognan & Graves | Left Bank Satellites | Sauternes (Sweet and Dry)

Right Bank: Pomerol | Saint-Émilion | Right Bank Satellites

The château manager sits at the head of the marble table, his forlorn expression so permanent that he no longer has facial muscles to smile.

“Ladies and gentlemen. It’s serious,” he announces.

Cosette from accounts bursts into tears.

“We are at the brink. Last year’s campaign was like an episode of Black Mirror.”

“But sir…” a minion interjects. He is ignored.

“What were our primeur sales last year?”

“Ten.”

“Ten pallets?”

“No, ten cases. Five from a fake account in the Cayman Islands. One, a sympathy purchase from my mother. Two were from a Burgundy winemaker to use in her boeuf bourguignon. Two that were destined for British shores were destroyed by customs because an acute accent was missing on page 496 of the paperwork.”

“Does anyone have any ideas?”

“I just think…” stutters the minion. The château manager holds up a hand and invites Jean from marketing to speak.

“R&D tell me that they are making progress on the time machine that will transport us back to the 2009 primeur campaign, when people queued with blank cheques, smiles and naivety.”

“Good times,” the château manager says wistfully. “When will it be ready?”

“Minor teething problems. It malfunctioned and sent our 86-year-old cellarmaster to 3009…”

“Has he reported back?”

“He just said that there were fields of asparagus as far as the eye could see, and talking apes ruled the world. He made it down to the beach in Arcachon, where he found the crumbling pillars of Château Margaux in the sand. He fell to his knees and cried NOOOOOOOO!”

“That does not sound positive. How about the ‘Severance’ procedure?”